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Let’s Be Real

It’s been a minute since I last posted. It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything for fun to be honest. This entire post is probably going to be a brain dump, but I need to do this in order to get back into the spirit of writing again.

Let’s Catch Up on Life

First of all, these past five months haven’t been the worst… nor have they been the best. I’ve just been operating on autopilot because that feels the safest to me.

From quitting two jobs and starting two new jobs (Working one job is impossible for me apparently), life has been an adjustment in addition to the still prevalent pandemic.

I like to believe that I’ve had a chance to rest but nah not really. This election is weighing heavy on me. (Side Bar: Make sure you vote because every vote does matter. If voting wasn’t so serious, why do you think MLK and thousands of others were murdered for it? Don’t be an entitled asshole and fulfill your responsibility as a citizen) An inexperienced judge being brought into the Supreme Court doesn’t sit well with me. This country is just a dumpster fire in terms of politics and COVID-19 is still the monster under the bed that no one wants to address.

In addition to all of that shit, I have anxiety and depression.

My Anxiety & Depression

I feel like I’ve never openly stated this about myself, or that I’ve always said it lightheartedly. I think I always tried to downplay my depression because I don’t feel horrible all of the time. I just get into “moods” is what I used to say. I think I use work to hide or distract myself from how empty I feel. Work is my coping mechanism even though I hate working lol.

Right now, my anxiety and depression feel like they are eating me alive. I don’t feel like myself. I haven’t felt like myself in awhile, and I’m just now starting to realize how bad this shit really is.

Without a licensed professional to help, I’ve felt helpless and restless about life for quite some time now (Probably years at this point). Plus finding a licensed professional is expensive AF when your garbage insurance doesn’t cover it.

Shout out to my new job for giving me 5 free therapy sessions to try and get my shit together though! My first session is what inspired me to start writing again to be honest.

Why I Write

During those months on autopilot, all I remember doing is working and sleeping. That’s about it. I wasn’t living life. I was merely surviving it.

I wasn’t watching TV, wasn’t listening to music, and wasn’t even reaching out to the people that I love. I didn’t feel joyful about doing anything that usually brought me joy.

I tried watching so many self-help videos on YouTube, but that shit can only do so much for you. I’ve been journaling and meditating, but I don’t think it works for me as much as I would like it to.

Writing on this blog though makes me feel something though. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad, but it feels necessary. I know that there was a reason I felt inspired to bring this blog back at the beginning of 2020. I just don’t want to let minor setbacks derail me from this opportunity/journey.

That’s all I’ve got for now, but I’ll be back sooner than later.

Until next time. Peace & Serenity. And #EndSARS.

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